Warning – This post reads like a sob fest. I am not kidding, I was sitting in a puddle of my own tears by the time I was done writing this. Anyways, here goes.
This is the scariest thing I’ve ever done and I’ve done some real crazy sh*t in my life. The title is not supposed to be ironic, just stick with me!
I am an intensely private person. I love talking to my friends and family and love talking about my life, but again with FRIENDS AND FAMILY. The idea of a nameless, faceless stranger knowing details of my life scares me silly. I keep deactivating my Facebook account because even though I don’t post anything, I feel like I am being watched.
I write, but I never share my writings. It is the only way I have of processing emotional events, and the very idea of exposing those writings to judgment and potential ridicule, makes me go cold. By now, you should be catching onto why the blog is called, ‘Quirk Heavy’.
So, we have established that I am not overly fond of social media and obsessively protective of my writings.
Then why start a blog, you ask?
Let me explain. You might wanna get yourself some food and drinks, this may take a while.
It dates back to 1991, the year of my birth. I was born a premature baby. It was a case of Placenta Previa. It was a long and dangerous delivery. As a fetus, I didn’t get enough oxygen or nutrition. Basically, I survived by the skin of my teeth, beat great odds and managed to keep my mom alive as well.
Let’s face it, I was a hero from the moment I was born…not that I ever got any credit for it! I like to blame the events of my birth and the dearth of oxygen for most of my screw-ups. Long story short, I was born awesome but also, kinda funny.
I was a grumpy loner, preferring books to people. I ignored my fellow human beings as much as I could. I would write absurdly mature poetry and stories about the tragedies of life and death, this was at the age of 8, as my mother can confirm.
I was pampered and spoilt and in order to fix that, my mother threw me into the deep end by sending me to a whole other continent. I ended up in London for my Masters.
I was on my own for the first time and so overcome with homesickness, that for a change, I actively wanted to be around people. Needless to say, my first foray into the social jungle did not go well. I was emotionally impulsive to the point of being reckless and would lapse into embarrassing scenes in response to any kind of rebuff.
Instead of expressing myself like a mature adult, I would indulge in angry, cold behavior and would generally make everyone’s life uncomfortable. I kept going in this vein for a long time but, it all came to a head when I realized that I was disappointing my one consistent champion- my mother. I had to change and change fast.
It took me nearly 3 years and a lot of positive thinking, healthier lifestyle choices and a changed mental and physical environment to achieve some semblance of calm and emotional stability. Three years of desperately finding the courage to trust others, express without anger and open up to people and all that it entailed, all the risks that came with it.
Sometimes it all went terribly wrong and everything blew up in my face, but every once in a while, things worked out wonderfully. I found friends in the oddest of places and in the unlikeliest of people. Never at any point did I feel like I had to change into someone new. I just had to get rid of the parts that didn’t work and made me feel awful about myself.
It also meant being proud of everything that was unique about me, even if other people thought of those things as symptoms of an impending breakdown 🙄
I am truly proud of my struggle and how far I’ve come, even so, I feel like I had it easy. There are people who are facing similar issues on a much more magnified scale and with no support system at all. The hope is to find some of these people and maybe help them lighten that load and if nothing else, I can at least be a friend.
I wish I had the eloquence to make you understand how much I want everyone struggling out there to know that they are not alone, and lend some of my hope and faith to help them fight their demons. As Emily Dickinson put it,
“IF I can stop one heart from breaking,
I shall not live in vain;
If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain.”
Choosing to be alone and having to be alone are two very different things. I am still the same person. I still prefer spending time with my books, but now when I am around people, I can connect and have a good time.
I know how to be a good friend without it feeling like a burden. My hair-trigger temper has mellowed A LOT!! I can go to a club and dance the night away without feeling the need to peel my skin off…I’m not being even a little dramatic!
I shall share my journey and learnings with as much honesty and grace as I can manage and maybe, every once in a while, someone out there may want to join me. If you have a similar story, you can use this space to share it with the world. Also, it will help if the nameless, faceless strangers will cease to be nameless, faceless strangers.
I still can’t shake the feeling that I am standing naked in the market square just waiting for everyone to notice, point and laugh! I am going to have to watch a lot of comedy to shake this feeling! Just another step in the journey of personal growth, right!?
Growth doesn’t happen if you stick to your comfort zones. So, Quirk heavy is me stepping out of my comfort zone in a BIG way!!
Another incentive is the possibility that I’ll find others like me, heavier on the quirks and determined not to conform to everyone’s idea of normal.
If you are interested in buying the movie rights to my life, mail me with a number 😉 …I am partial to chocolate cakes and puppies.
I come from a long line of strong women who have faced the sort of issues that would’ve broken an ordinary human. I’ve grown up drawing from that reservoir of strength, fully aware that quitting is simply not an option.
So, a special shout out to all those women who have endured heartbreak, betrayal, humiliations, and defeats in life and still somehow, managed to put themselves back together to fight another day. You are amazing and a reason for the rest of us to go on.
Here’s hoping for a world filled with people standing steady in the face of vicissitudes, triumphing over their weaknesses with grace and dignity.
If you’ve faced similar struggles, do share. It will inspire and motivate me to hear about your badass self.